We found out we were pregnant on New Year’s Eve. Based on our past history, I was over the moon that we got pregnant without even trying. After Badge was born, we decided to not use any prevention since we didn’t want to wait too long for more kids.
The pregnancy seemed normal. I didn’t feel as tired or sick as I did with Badge, but I still felt pregnant. I just couldn’t believe that it had been so easy. We were going to have another baby! I dreamed of getting an ultrasound and finding out it was going to be twins.
I searched high and low for a new obgyn and finally decided on a practice. I called to schedule an appointment but their office was so booked, they couldn’t see me until Feb 14th (when I would have been 12 weeks). I still made the appointment, but called up the midwife I saw last year and was able to schedule an appointment for the next week. Normer, Badge and I went to the appointment laughing and full of so much happiness. I was 7 weeks at this point. We went back for the ultrasound and the midwife couldn’t find anything. She saw the sac but it was empty. There was no heartbeat. Just silence and emptiness. She said that my dates were possibly wrong and to come back in a week for another ultrasound. My dates were not wrong. I don’t play games about getting or being pregnant. Not after all the tragedies my friends have experienced. I was not going to wait around for a week wondering. I promptly called the doctor I saw for infertility, and was in his office within a day. I knew that if there was a baby, his super fancy ultrasound machines would find it.
I laid on the table holding my breath, so the technician could see the slightest movement. She called in a second person to look. One thought she saw something. The other said no. They decided that it was gone. No longer there.
I waited for the doctor. I had a blighted ovum. A pregnancy had started but something was wrong with the embryo so it stopped forming and just disappeared into the placenta. This article explains in more detail. He said that my body could continue thinking I am pregnant for weeks or months. We had to schedule a D and C. So I put it on my calendar for the next week.
The day came, and the place that held life was literally sucked out. I think my heart went with it. Physically, I am fine. The chances of this happening again are low.
I am angry. I am sad. I am missing a part of me.
So now we wait. We wait with hope. We wait with peace.
